Vegetarians come in all shapes and sizes, persuasions and political stripes. Learn how to spot them by their typical lines.
The Sanctimonious Vegetarian
“Did you know that 9 out of 10 flesh eaters have elevated cholesterol and latent guilt issues? And do you really want your children to inherit a mono-cultured, carbon-bathed, sinkhole of depravity?”
The Extremist Vegetarian
“I only eat local, organic fruits, nuts and seeds willingly discarded by sustainable non-genetically modified organisms lovingly tended by empowered immigrant women paid fair wages with benefits.”
The Passive-Aggressive Vegetarian
“My housemate won’t notice if I swap her ground beef for TVP and her thighs will thank me!”
The Vegetarian-to-a-tee
“Are you absolutely certain that the frying pan wasn’t cross-contaminated? And did you scour the spatula with an acid-based detergent?”
The PETAtarian
“One day Betsy the Pig was snorting slop out of my hand and the next Papa had her on the grill. *sob* And then there was that field trip to the rendering plant…”
The Broke Omnivore
“Tofu costs 10 cents less than SPAM and it’s nearly as palatable!”
The Envirotarian
“My veggie burger saves 5 kg of carbon compared to your cheeseburger, equivalent to driving 56.2 kilometers in my Toyota Prius or 574 meters in your Ford Expedition.”
The Rustic Vegetarian
“I only partake in Nature’s breathing bounty when I’ve culled, cleaned and cooked it with my own hands.”
The Militant Vegetarian
“Those better be tofu-dogs or you can GTFO!!!”
The Fruitarian
“You wouldn’t believe all the junk food those raw vegans eat. Totally lax.”
The Hulking Vegetarian
“You won’t get enough protein, they said. You’ll always be scrawny, they said…”
The Pious Vegetarian
“God commanded Adam and Eve to ‘be fruitful‘…”
The Matrimonial Vegetarian
“It was tofu or the couch…”
The Vegetarian by Default
“I’m allergic to poultry, beef is boring, lamb is stringy, seafood is fishy and Allah says pork is out.”
The Ironic Vegetarian
“Are those jello shots gelatin-free?”
The Born-Again Vegetarian
“A plant based diet cured my autoimmune disease, my Asperger’s, my hyperthyroidism and my hypochondria!”
Pseudo-Vegetarians
The Pocket Guide to Vegetarians wouldn’t be complete without listing the have-beens, wannabees, sort-ofs and phonies.
The Closet Vegetarian
“My family and friends would disown me if they knew. That bacon was strictly to keep up appearances.”
The Flexitarian
“I only eat meat on Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Fridays and at restaurants and friends’ houses.”
The Lapsed Vegetarian
“I was vegetarian for like three weeks but then I caught anemia so my doctor prescribed meat and now I feel sooo much better.”
The Pollotarian
“Chickens have the IQ of a celery stalk, so they obviously don’t count.”
The Pescetarian
“You’re definitely not getting enough omega-3s. Besides, fish can’t even feel pain!”
The In Vitro Vegetarian
“I don’t cheat, it’s only schmeat!”
The Strategic Vegetarian
“Chicks dig it. They think I’m sensitive and shit.”
Related: Shit meat eaters say to vegetarians
In case anyone has a beef with this post, the author would have you know that he just celebrated his 5 year veg anniversary. Bonus points if you can guess which type I am.
